someone in this family has SERIOUS baby fever.  and i’ll give you a hint – this person only wants a baby brother, and only wants to name him deek.

it feels like there has been nearly endless baby talk around these parts recently – what with friends welcoming new siblings, mama in constant baby blanket production and with babies deek and sophie (poor sophie, always an afterthought) never outside arms reach.  it has all lead to some funny conversations about babies living in their mommy’s bellies.

a couple of nights ago, sort of out of the blue, i started telling EBN about the night she was born, trying, best as i could, to focus on the details that i thought she could understand.  it went something like this and it has since become part of our evening ritual:

for a very long time you lived in my belly and as you got bigger, my belly got bigger too.  while you were inside i spent a lot of time trying to take very good care of you.  i went on long walks and drank lots of water and even took a nap every now and then.  i’d rub my tummy and talk to you and tell you about what was happening, on the outside.  at night, your daddy would get close to my big belly and read you stories – hoping you would begin to recognize his voice, through the walls of my tummy.  your daddy would always get very tired whenever he read a story and would yawn these big, long yawns.  (at this point in the story, EBN first yawns big and long, like her daddy, and then giggles endlessly).

one day, after you’d been in my belly for a loooong time, i went to see the doctor – to make sure you were happy and healthy.  the doctor looked at me with a big smile and said – it’s time, the baby is ready to come out!  daddy and i were so excited.  i went home and showered and then went back to the hospital where i waited and waited and waited for you to come.  turns out, you wanted to stay in a bit longer – so daddy and i had lots of time to talk and make last-minute plans for your arrival (when mommy gets anxious, she makes lists).  eventually, you decided you were ready too – and so you started pushing, trying to get out.  to help things along, i pushed too – really hard!  together we pushed as hard as we could and eventually you came out and gave a really loud cry to announce your arrival. (at this point, EBN likes to add, POP!).

while you were in my tummy, we didn’t know if you were going to be a boy or a girl so as soon as you were out my doctor said in a big, strong voice, “it’s a baby girl!!”  i was shocked, and asked surprised, “a girl?”, while your daddy was even more confused and asked, “a baby?”.

we cuddled you tight and looked right into your bright blue eyes, and decided your name would be Evie Kayla.  Evie, because of your great-grandfather, Eddie.  the most just and caring and mensch-y person i have ever known – who cared deeply for his family and his world.  i always went to Eddie for advice and guidance and love and,while your Eddie died the year before you were born, the last thing he told me, when i was going through a difficult time at work, was to quit, it was time to start a family.  and so i did.  and we did.  and without his words of wisdom, you wouldn’t be you.

and Kayla.  because of your grandma Karen.  you never got to meet your grandma karen, and neither did i – but she was your daddy’s mommy and she died when he was still very young.  from all the stories that i have heard about your grandma Karen, it is clear that she was nurturing and loving and that she had a gift for bringing people together.  she also happens to have had the most amazing group of girlfriends imaginable and they continue to play a role in daddy’s life and we are so lucky to have them in our lives too.  without her influence on your daddy, he wouldn’t be the man that i love, and you wouldn’t be you, Evie Kayla.

once we had gotten some good cuddling in, your nani and p’pa were your first visitors – followed by a couple of the mahj girls (including BUDDY!!), aunti stef who happened to be in town from los angeles – and she brought a very special recorded singing telegram – and mommy’s dentist, but that’s a story for another time.

—–

ABN, once he caught wind of what was going on, decided to add his two cents to the story – which included a scary episode with me hallucinating in the final moments of labor and seeing clowns (funny that i had decided to leave this part out!).  of course, EBN has completely latched on to this detail and so every night (and morning) she recounts the following: “i was really little in mommy’s belly, then i pushed and mommy pushed, and then there were clowns and then pop, i was out. ” — sounds just about right.

this might be my very favorite photo from college. it’s horrible quality (how did we ever exist before digital cameras?) and the lighting didn’t help either. these girls were my everything.  we were being silly on a group camping trip, as was often the case, after little sleep, too much wine and secret rendevous that had yet to be divulged. my smile is so big – i think i still had myself convinced that everything was going to work out just fine…

(deep breath – this is going to be long and rambling…)

10 years ago today, i did not graduate from college.  i should have graduated from college.  i looked like i was graduating – you know, cap and gown, family assembled.  dinner parties to celebrate 4 great years.  everyone assumed i was graduating.  everyone also assumed that my life was not a freaking disaster on wheels held together not by super glue but by an ancient elmhers glue stick that had dried up and didn’t have enough stick left to keep two pieces of tissue paper together, let alone me.  i was the only one who knew the truth – as hard as i had tried to ignore it and stuff it deep down inside – the truth reared its ugly head during my dreams (which, logically, is why i quit sleeping).  and so i knew eventually the truth, all of it, would come out.  and that not only would i break into the inevitable million little pieces that i knew i really was, but that the people who i cared about the most, would be pretty broken, by me, as well.

it’s amazing that all of this was 10 years ago.  because it also means that 10 years ago (give or take a day or two) i started to rebuild my life – with life-saving support from my parents – the two people i had hurt the most.  it was time to move forward from a past that only i was to blame.  learning to rely on others to support me in the same way that i for years, carried so many of them.  it has been one long and winding and often cliched road.  i am a work in progress.  and on days like today, and this weekend and probably next – when large groups are joining together to celebrate, in caps and gowns, i tend to itch and turn red and retreat.

i don’t think all the details are important and in truth, whether it be as a survival mechanism or just…time passing…i don’t remember them all.  i can tell you that i am 100% responsible for not graduating when i should have.  and for not asking for help when i needed it (help is a loaded word…no?).  i am grateful for the friends and family who supported me at a time when i had given up on myself (it was a dark few months, once all those walls i had built up came crashing down) and for doctors who listen and provide medication when the going gets really tough.  i’m grateful for the jcc in manhattan who stuck by my side holding my job for me for a month so that i could go to summer school and then presenting me with a complete life once i arrived on the upper west side.  i’m thankful to hunter college for providing me with a chance to take creative writing classes and to one completely forgettable journalism teacher who allowed me to take a final exam two weeks early – so that i didn’t miss a wedding back in california (it might be hard to understand but when you are really broken – and i was really broken – something like a wedding becomes your everything).  and i’m grateful to brandeis – the institution that i did, eventually, graduate from.  it’s hard for me to think back on college with great fondess (more on that below)…it’s just complicated now.

in finding myself – and my truth – i lost a lot.  while in college, building my walls and creating my fantasy world, there were countless moments of pure joy – often around my own dining room table, drinking ridiculously cheap wine and sweet red cocktails. cuddling on my bed with a life-sized rainbow trout, singing while sitting cross-legged in a circular classroom, kissing behind tall trees, meeting jewish rock stars and creating life long friendships with roommates, and classmates and indians and orthodox jews.  but it is just so difficult for me to think about these moments now because i’m no longer able to ignore the chaos that was going on with me – behind the scenes.

i have no idea where this post is going (not my typical style) except to add one more thing – i am not the same person i was back in 2003.  i’m stronger, i’m gentler, i’m more thoughtful, i’m quieter, i’m consistent, i run from drama, i crave alone time and family time and while i still try to do it all – i realize i can’t and i make an effort to slow down.  sometimes it takes an extra push (or 2) but i ask for help when i need it.  i’ve worked really hard to get where i am – it continues to require constant effort.  it is not my natural way.  sometimes i get closer to slipping back than others.

it’s thanks to ABN that i’m here today at all.  at my most broken, long before we became us, he was the one person who was able to get close.  as he carried my boxes into a dorm room i didn’t recognize – after my friends had made the reverse trip only days before – he was the first person i let help me, the only person i let hug me.  at a time when i had completely given up on myself – and shut out everyone else – this guy who was kind and gentle reminded me that it was okay to smile and to hope for a future.

i like to think that all of this happened for a reason.  i’m not sure where my “issues” came from, or if there was a trigger or whatever.  but i’m pretty sure that if the shit hadn’t hit the fan when it did, i wouldn’t be sitting in pacifica right now.  and i wouldn’t be loving on my sweet family.  and, even though i’m a bit itchy this week, and a bit anxious, and a bit on the edge…there really is no place i’d rather be.

that i made a beef pot roast. or. that my kiddo ate it.

and had seconds.

have a great weekend.

xo, LBN

for about 30 seconds yesterday, i thought about applying for a fulltime job.  i’d have an excuse dress cute and curl my hair on a regular basis.

then i saw this photo, snapped by BUDDY at the tidepools.

and i quickly decided to stay right where i am.

#Pacifica4Life

and so much more.
xo,
LBN

a while back, my friend wrote THIS ARTICLE for a parenting website.  it’s worth a read for sure (she emailed me, in advance, to gauge the gross-out factor…i approved ).  and while the specific examples are just a tad different – less talk of menstruation in my house, more talk of boobs (and who has them) and nipples (we all do), i understand the sentiment.

over the last 2 1/2 years (and really, in the preceding 10 months of pregnancy) it’s been tough for me to keep up to date with my friends who live across the country.  what used to be weekly (if not daily) phone calls, now occur monthly, when i’m lucky (and requires the following: EBN takes her scheduled nap, my work is done – or near done, the weather is nice enough for me to venture outside (i don’t talk in the house while she sleeping in fear of waking her – i inherited my dad’s loud phone voice), and i’m up to date on nashville).  for better or worse (mostly worse) we’re left to rely on social media to follow along in each other’s life.  it’s not a substitute for real face time.  but it’s so much better than nothing at all.  i live to see the birthday parties, saturdays at the park, political interests, cute outfits (kiddos and mamas).  you get.

anyway, probably a year ago, i, admittedly, was really slacking in the “picking up the phone and calling my friends” department, and one of my besties (thank goodness for real friends) called me on it.  not only did she miss me, she said, but she also admitted that she was going through a bit of a rough patch (which i had totally missed) and it was hard to read and see my seemingly perfect life on facebook and in this space.

and that got me thinking – am i keeping this space real enough?  obviously, i treasure the special and amazing events and its important to me that there is some record of the wonderful memories that make up our life.  and it’s not that i mean to skip over the negative but typically, when i sit down to write and reflect on what feels important, the moments of frustration/tension/eye-rolling have passed and don’t stand out anymore.  (also, when reviewing the archives of this space, there seems to be quite enough bitching…if you ask me…or ABN i’m sure ).

all of this is really lead-up to me saying – while this past weekend included many, many highlights (as documented HERE and on facebook), there were hard moments too.  and because i want to paint an actual picture of sacramento weekend 2013 for myself, and my readers….here’s a rundown:

• EBN and i enthusiastically loaded into the car at exactly 4pm on friday to meet ABN in the east bay (he would take BART) for an early dinner.  a drive that should have taken 50 minutes took 2 hours and 45 minutes, and that only got us about a quarter of the way to sacramento.
• EBN went absolutely bonkers (in a good way) when she saw her big girl bed.  there was shrieking and jumping and lots of snuggling under the covers.  she then woke up at 3:30am on saturday, fussing, and refused to go back to sleep.  sure she happily cuddled with me in her bed, but she refused to lay still or quit bonking me on the nose, or stop saying, “hi mama,” every 30 seconds…and at 6am was up for good.
• we planned the trip to sacramento so that we could enjoy some time in the sun, before it got too hot – the weather was perfect – hot in the sun, cool in the shade, and comfortable enough to sit outside for dinner on saturday night.  unfortunately we forgot to confirm that the hotel had a swimming pool – oops
• EBN had no accidents the entire trip (i mean, accidents have never really been her thing…but still – worth celebrating!).  she also hadn’t pooped since wednesday so during the trip she would yell, “i need to poop!!” and then we would run to the closet bathroom where she would refuse to even sit on the toilet before deciding that, in fact, she didn’t need to go.  repeat.  repeat. repeat.
• due to the lack of sleep on friday night EBN took an epic nap on saturday afternoon – and so did we.  it was needed by all parties.  EBN slept great on saturday night too!  i think the day completely exhausted her.  unfortunately, sleeping in did not happen for me on mother’s day – is there anything a mama wants more?  there was lots of talk about ABN and EBN getting out so that i could get a little extra shut eye but it’s hard in a hotel (i get it) and we didn’t have a real plan in place
• we planned our trip home perfectly so that EBN would nap and she fell asleep before we even got on the highway. she then woke up 90 minutes into our trip home (we still had about 40 minutes to go) screaming and claiming an immediate need to poop (who could blame her).  of course by this point we were passed the last exit before the bay bridge but not quite on the bridge itself and not.moving.  thank god, again, for the ipad.  which proved to be enough distraction – on both counts.
• while EBN had the best weekend of her life, i felt a little blue that there was no planning in place to make the day nice and relaxing for me.  don’t get me wrong – the weekend was full of family fun, but between getting up early, packing up the room (and, in my haste, we forgot coco – luckily, coco has been located and is on her/his?? way back to us!!), sitting in traffic, unpacking and doing 3 loads of laundry – i got a bit resentful.  the shit hit the fan for me when i found myself driving home, stuck in traffic, while my two great loves snoozed the afternoon away.  i get that i’m being ridiculous – but no one said i was perfect.  (although perfect might be my new, oversized, fleece, post-hot-tub robe!  such a thoughtful gift from EBN and ABN).

so, in an effort to quit telling lies on facebook (or half truths – or bits and pieces) that’s sacramento – the good, the bad and the lack of poop.

turns out, girlfriend was just waiting until we got home.

she craves routine.

just like here mama.

ps. do you love the photo above?  thanks to the lovely ladies at a beautiful mess, there’s an app for that!  makes my life more fun (and a bit more beautiful).  check it out – you’re sure to enjoy!

1. we don’t travel light

2. color whenever possible

3. my little hoarder

4. belinda carlisle forever

5. nothing like a bowl of oatmeal on a 90+ degree day

6. checking out the trains

7. followed by moment of panic when i realized her head could get stuck

8. my little conductor (and lest you thought we forgot baby deek at home)

9. the innocence of not knowing the difference between fro-yo and ice cream

10. fantasy becomes reality

11. trains in real life

12. a little mama time

13. enjoying ice cream – the real deal.

what can i say?  it was a 2 ice cream kind of weekend.  throw in a big girl bed (she got the king in the bedroom and we squeezed into the smaller bed in the living room) AND live music at dinner (girlfriend knows how to dance), i think this weekend might go down in history for EBN.  so thankful she made me a mama.

i planned to have this post up early this am – but turns out – packing for a quick weekend away, can take a lot out of you.  it’s a lot of details to remember, bubbles to pack (god forbid we leave the house without bubbles).  i’m looking forward to a weekend focused on the 3 of us.  but, like every other mom i know, i’d basically kill for some time alone in my house.  seriously.

in other news – EBN really wants to, “play baseball with the big boys.”  it would be a good first step to teach her how to hold a bat.

moving on:

i’m in need of a girls day at the beach

thinking this would be a good next big project 

i wonder if i could make a paleo arnold palmer?  in warm weather, i always crave lemonade

wondering if we could pull off a hammock indoors.  we have the hammock and maybe the basement redesign in the perfect opportunity.

there is nothing as yummy as a good biscuit.

you either get it, or you don’t.

as if i didn’t already love him enough.

and i’m saving this forever and will look at it when i have days when loose all faith in the world.

mothers day gifts have been mailed.  we’re heading out after nap-time, stopping for dinner on the way to sacramento.  we plan to ride the trains and hit up the zoo and spend some time in the hot hot sun.  EBN is especially excited because i told her she’ll be sleeping in a big girl bed.  fingers crossed.

have a wonderful weekend celebrating the mamas in your life!

xo,

LBN

loving: being home with my sweet family.  i got quite the welcome from both EBN and ABN and while it was so fun to be away, there is simply no place i would rather be, than right here.  i’ve been indulging in extra hugs and kisses from both the BNs and it’s been pretty nice. (although EBN isn’t such a fan of when ABN and i snuggle close.  i think she feels left out – as evidenced by the quivering lower lip that seems to pop out whenever ABN and i get too close.  it’s equal parts hysterical and inspiring – clearly the only way to get her passed this “issue” is to expose her to more of it.  i think ABN and i are up for the challenge.)

reading: i mentioned that i bought THIS book while in the minnesota airport during my layover on sunday.  i’m not sure why i reached for it over the other options – it wasn’t on a list of mine.  but every now and then i pick something up and can’t seem to put it down until i’m finished.  it helps that i had a good 4 hours of reading time on the flight home – and even though i’ve only read for a couple of hours since returning, i’ll finish it in the next day or so for sure.  it’s about a group of friends who went to college together who are reuniting for a week in paradise, some 15 years later.  as you can probably guess – trouble ensues in the form of adultery, an allergy to shell fish and a hurricane – just to name a few.   it’s not great – and i’m pretty sure there is no character that i’m rooting for (i hate that).  i’ll take on Where’d You Go Bernadette (which i started on my red-eye but then my kindle died) next and then THIS.

watching: oh you know me.  a little of this, a little of that.  Nashville continues to rank number 1 as far as i’m concerned.  i’m pretty much over Scandal (because i’m not sure there is a like-able character, see above….) although i love me some scott foley for no good reason other than it broke my heart when he and jennifer garner broke just because she got famous (i mean, i’ve always assumed).  we’re two weeks behind on Mad Men which causes great anxiety in my life.  i live in fear of the spoilers and at the same time i need.to.know.  in reality tv news, i’m watching Best Ink on oxygen and i’m not one bit embarassed to admit.

listening to: volume two of the Nashville soundtrack.  whatever, i’m obsessed.  that show can do no wrong.  i want rayna’s hair,  scarlett’s wardrobe, juilette’s house (really, any of them up until this point) and deacon…plain and simple.

eating: i just made myself some chicken salad and it was absolutely delicious.  hit.the.spot.

working on: letting things go, enjoying the moment, not anticipating what’s coming next, focusing on the people in my life that make me happy.

looking forward to: this weekend.  it’s mother’s day and we’re headed to sacramento for two nights for a special family adventure.  an outdoor swimming pool, the train museum and a trip to the zoo are in our future.  can’t think of a better way to celebrate being a mama!

thanks again, Danielle, for the inspiration behind these posts.

as soon as DBN announced her engagement (over skype!  from taiwaan!) i got i got excited about planning a shower.  DBN is a girl who deserves a celebration and i couldn’t wait to do it up right.

did you see those awesome tea cookies?  yeah, my dad gets full credit on that one.  and the flowers?  one of DBN’s friends came up with the great idea of gifting mason jars labeled with chalkboard paint (she got a full set and the supplies to make more – totally jealous!).

each woman was asked to pass along words of wisdom or life lessons to share and their gifts went along with these traditions and tidbits.  i put together a book of all their words and gifted that to the bride to be.  also a preview of what is to come:

the cat is finally out of the bag. this is the HUGE crochet project i’ve been working on. a queen-sized blanket for DBN for her wedding. and i’ve been making major progress, until…i found a mistake that i just couldn’t live with. and so, i started pulling…

that’s my pissed off pulling face.

and pulling…

and pulling some more…

it’s stinking pretty and i’m glad i’m taking the time to make sure it’s done right.

july is right around the corner…