sorry for the disappearing act at the end of last week.  it was unplanned – but we upgraded our server, or so i’ve been told, and that put me out of commission – sads.  it was sort of a well-timed blackout because honestly, the week was a crazy one and while i had thoughts to share i hadn’t really had a chance to wrap my mind around it all.

and truthfully, i’m not sure i’ll ever really be able to put into words my  feelings around the terrible events in boston, the crazy world that we live in and the strength of community in the midst of heartache and madness.  it’s just so many emotions at once and well, it leaves me feeling anxious and completely overwhelmed.  like so many, i just want to spend more time with my kiddo and ABN, which thankfully, we did this weekend (including EBN finally mastering going down steps – it seems like our days of scooting might be coming to an end…but more on that later in the week).

i don’t usually share too much of work life in this space, but for today, this piece that i wrote feels (guardedly) appropriate.

and also, neil – because life is about balance:

a few days ago i found myself having a long conversation with MBN (EBN’s babysitter, my life coach, my very close friend – clearly, a good person to have around) about a paper she had written in grad school.  the paper was supposed to be (and i’m paraphrasing here) a glimpse into the future of the writer; what would your personal life look like at 80, taking into account family medical history, environment, stressors and health and wellness.  or at least that’s how i understand the paper.  it got me thinking about my own life at 80 (or 50 or tomorrow) and they way i hope to be living.  i know this is all closely related to embracing the pacifica lifestyle but MBN urged me to think more broadly.  it’s not someone else’s pacifica lifestyle that i am trying to emulate but rather, perhaps the first time, define a lifestyle for myself.  the choices i make (from the day-to-day to the life changing) should be choices that define me and my family and not some other ideal (materialistic, education, i could go on…).

as for me at 80 – i’m hoping it looks something like this (in no particular order):

1. i have perfected a recipe that i am known for.  when i host a dinner party or celebrate a birthday, the food is expected to be served.  everyone asks me to share my secrets but i only share the full recipe with my closest family.

2. when someone walks into my living space it is clear that they are entering a jewish home – from the artwork to the shabbat candlesticks to the doorposts and, most importantly, the values that we hold most dear – and mahjong…clearly mahjong.

3. when family gets together, we can’t help but talk about summer camp

4.  we have a room of book shelves full of our most essentials reads – everything from BEL CANTO and THEIR EYES WERE WATCHING GOD to AT RISK and NOT WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER (ABN and EBN can put their favorites in there too)

5. i have served on the board of a non-profit that i continue to advise and support

6. our home filled with fresh flowers

7. we have regular dates nights that include red wine

8. i have an appreciation for the green (or blue) space where i live

9. i have my hair blown out – regularly

10. i am the old lady with a tattoo that has no regrets

11. our home is filled with family photographs

12. we indulge in low-key travel; weekends away to slow down and spend time with the people we love

13. i know my body – what works, what doesn’t have when to ask for help

14. i remember to be grateful everyday that my children now live in a world where they can marry who ever they want to marry – and that their mama and daddy played some (small) role in making that possible

15. i appreciate friendships that span more than 50 years

16. we tell stories about the years when ABN made guacamole with ingredients straight out of our garden

17. i find support, love, humor and a spiritual home with my brother and his family – and maintain a bitter rivalry in rummikub

18. i rock a true style, all my own (though influenced by mrs. roper)

19. we have a marriage that we both appreciate – one that challenges us and surrounds the two of us and our children, with love

20. i have children that are passionate

21. i have journals, scrapbooks or other writings full of the memories we have created – i know i won’t remember but i want to be able to look back

a list of 21…sorta weird, but for now, a good starting place.  i like that some of my list requires immediate attention.  at 80 i want to be able to look back on LBN today and say, nice job lady!

if you feel like putting together a list of “when i am 80…” i’d love to read what you’re thinking about!

it’s been sorta nutty around these parts the last few days.  we are lucky enough to have ABN’s cousin and his family staying with us for a few days and it has been loads of fun.  it’s hard living so far away from our families so whenever we get the chance to spend time together we jump at the opportunity.  watching EBN giggle as she tries to chase her almost 3-year-old cousin around our coffee table leaves us all gasping for air.  but having 3 in the house, under 3 (the youngest is just 2 1/2 months) means that none of us are getting much sleep.  if it’s not one, it’s the other…they seem to tag team.

our mini vacation feels like…a million years ago.  i thought i’d share some photos while the memories still feel like they happened in this lifetime:

scenes from palm springs: date shakes, bottled sodas and tempeh reuben on “jewish” rye, relaxed mama, shared bloody marys, live jazz at WOODYS, morning coffee, palm canyon, awaiting our “couples” photo that never came to be, crossbite, his hand, my arm – healing, dirty martinis and brusselsprout salad, procuitto pizza, meatballs, cruisers, food truck mayhem, dirty feet relax at the pool, my palm springs, pukey in joshua tree, found-ed-s in joshua tree, moscow mules, live rockabilly at WOODYS, a flight of bacon…

vacation is for lovers

i did IT – and i truly couldn’t be happier.

the experience itself was great – i went with two of my san francisco bffs and they humored me as i giggled nervously, peed 3 times, and talked about 500 miles a minute – through the entire process.  i loved THE SHOP itself – although i’m pretty sure that my thick tights and work cell-phone made me a bit different from their typical clientele…just a bit.  let’s be honest, i’d stick out at any tattoo parlor.  i was immediately set at ease by the shop manager who compared an odor he had recently come across to the smell of a bad piercing (come on, you know what he’s talking about) and impressed by the girl having shading done on a full sleeve – she sat like a champ.

also, it really didn’t hurt.  i’m sure placement has a lot to do with this (flesh is best) and the fact that it’s just text so there’s no shading and no color.  it didn’t feel good – but i think people think of me as a bit of a wuss and i’m a redhead to boot…i was pretty impressed with myself.  my advice – give birth first.

you’re going to have to be patient and wait a bit to see what i walked away with (i want to give a few people the chance to see it first) but, it’s awesome and i’m a little bit in love.

instead, i’ll share a picture of my artist, jeremy.  at the moment this picture was snapped, he’s concentrating (thank goodness) and i’m most likely babbling about something really important like general hospital.

yes, he is wearing a lace-up velvet shirt. he's also rocking fringed moccasins and bellbottoms

“i lift my eyes….

to the mountains – from where will my help come?”

• played while ABN walked down the aisle and inscribed in his wedding band
• recited at the birth of a child
• a reminder of MY NANI and MY EDDIE’s constant presence, guidance, influence, judgement, love

as i sit down to write, EBN is perched at the coffee table, swinging her hips as she dances to the opening credits of yo gabagaba.  she’s in hog heaven…and so am i.

there’s no way around it, the last month was a rough one for me, what with weaning and all.  it felt like in a matter of moments, my little girl went from being a round, wobbling, wee one  to a babbling, wandering, tween (i mean, practically).  don’t worry, she’s still round – just a bit sturdier as well.  she’s constantly on the move – one of her current favorites is to use her WALK AND RIDE to push her PLAYSTATION around the entire house.  seriously, she might become a professional mover.

she currently says, mama, daddy, nani and and is working on megan (because let’s be honest – megan, her babysitter, is her very favorite) and of course – bonkers, vodka and douche (i mean – we gotta keep it interesting around here).  she loves practicing her walking, falling into her ball pit and storing all that she possibly can (including mama’s cellphone) in her SILO.

she hates the sound of the vacuum but loves my hairdryer.

she and ABN go on a morning hikes a few times a week.  he dresses her in many layers of fleece turning her into a giant blob of static electricity.  she has a tiny mirror that she sometimes holds on to and she loves licking her face as the climb mountains.  when he slows down, she gives him a good double legged kick (a la a horse) to keep him on track.

she still loves her books.  the SHABBAT book is never out of sight and we read EAT YOUR PEAS and ON THE NIGHT YOU WERE BORN every night before bed. bath time is still a highlight of the day (even though ABN threw out most of her bath toys after deciding to cut one open and finding it full of mold – ICK) as is trying to drink the bath water.  in addition to her love for KATY PERRY she’s now decided that she likes our theme song too.

——–

for a while now, i’ve been thinking about putting a book end around the last year of my life.  you know, having a baby, losing MY NANI.  it’s been a lot.  i’m very aware of the changes in me – where i’ve come and where i’m going.  maybe i’m a bit hyper-reflective of it all (do you expect any less).  i had an idea of how i wanted to mark this time and it involves INK (sorry mom and dad but yes, mark and ink) and after running it by some of my rabbi friends (gotta make sure things are kosher) i made an appointment.  i’ve been pretty excited for the last 24 hours, and a bit teary as well – and i think that means…it’s a go.