this might be my very favorite photo from college. it’s horrible quality (how did we ever exist before digital cameras?) and the lighting didn’t help either. these girls were my everything.  we were being silly on a group camping trip, as was often the case, after little sleep, too much wine and secret rendevous that had yet to be divulged. my smile is so big – i think i still had myself convinced that everything was going to work out just fine…

(deep breath – this is going to be long and rambling…)

10 years ago today, i did not graduate from college.  i should have graduated from college.  i looked like i was graduating – you know, cap and gown, family assembled.  dinner parties to celebrate 4 great years.  everyone assumed i was graduating.  everyone also assumed that my life was not a freaking disaster on wheels held together not by super glue but by an ancient elmhers glue stick that had dried up and didn’t have enough stick left to keep two pieces of tissue paper together, let alone me.  i was the only one who knew the truth – as hard as i had tried to ignore it and stuff it deep down inside – the truth reared its ugly head during my dreams (which, logically, is why i quit sleeping).  and so i knew eventually the truth, all of it, would come out.  and that not only would i break into the inevitable million little pieces that i knew i really was, but that the people who i cared about the most, would be pretty broken, by me, as well.

it’s amazing that all of this was 10 years ago.  because it also means that 10 years ago (give or take a day or two) i started to rebuild my life – with life-saving support from my parents – the two people i had hurt the most.  it was time to move forward from a past that only i was to blame.  learning to rely on others to support me in the same way that i for years, carried so many of them.  it has been one long and winding and often cliched road.  i am a work in progress.  and on days like today, and this weekend and probably next – when large groups are joining together to celebrate, in caps and gowns, i tend to itch and turn red and retreat.

i don’t think all the details are important and in truth, whether it be as a survival mechanism or just…time passing…i don’t remember them all.  i can tell you that i am 100% responsible for not graduating when i should have.  and for not asking for help when i needed it (help is a loaded word…no?).  i am grateful for the friends and family who supported me at a time when i had given up on myself (it was a dark few months, once all those walls i had built up came crashing down) and for doctors who listen and provide medication when the going gets really tough.  i’m grateful for the jcc in manhattan who stuck by my side holding my job for me for a month so that i could go to summer school and then presenting me with a complete life once i arrived on the upper west side.  i’m thankful to hunter college for providing me with a chance to take creative writing classes and to one completely forgettable journalism teacher who allowed me to take a final exam two weeks early – so that i didn’t miss a wedding back in california (it might be hard to understand but when you are really broken – and i was really broken – something like a wedding becomes your everything).  and i’m grateful to brandeis – the institution that i did, eventually, graduate from.  it’s hard for me to think back on college with great fondess (more on that below)…it’s just complicated now.

in finding myself – and my truth – i lost a lot.  while in college, building my walls and creating my fantasy world, there were countless moments of pure joy – often around my own dining room table, drinking ridiculously cheap wine and sweet red cocktails. cuddling on my bed with a life-sized rainbow trout, singing while sitting cross-legged in a circular classroom, kissing behind tall trees, meeting jewish rock stars and creating life long friendships with roommates, and classmates and indians and orthodox jews.  but it is just so difficult for me to think about these moments now because i’m no longer able to ignore the chaos that was going on with me – behind the scenes.

i have no idea where this post is going (not my typical style) except to add one more thing – i am not the same person i was back in 2003.  i’m stronger, i’m gentler, i’m more thoughtful, i’m quieter, i’m consistent, i run from drama, i crave alone time and family time and while i still try to do it all – i realize i can’t and i make an effort to slow down.  sometimes it takes an extra push (or 2) but i ask for help when i need it.  i’ve worked really hard to get where i am – it continues to require constant effort.  it is not my natural way.  sometimes i get closer to slipping back than others.

it’s thanks to ABN that i’m here today at all.  at my most broken, long before we became us, he was the one person who was able to get close.  as he carried my boxes into a dorm room i didn’t recognize – after my friends had made the reverse trip only days before – he was the first person i let help me, the only person i let hug me.  at a time when i had completely given up on myself – and shut out everyone else – this guy who was kind and gentle reminded me that it was okay to smile and to hope for a future.

i like to think that all of this happened for a reason.  i’m not sure where my “issues” came from, or if there was a trigger or whatever.  but i’m pretty sure that if the shit hadn’t hit the fan when it did, i wouldn’t be sitting in pacifica right now.  and i wouldn’t be loving on my sweet family.  and, even though i’m a bit itchy this week, and a bit anxious, and a bit on the edge…there really is no place i’d rather be.

for about 30 seconds yesterday, i thought about applying for a fulltime job.  i’d have an excuse dress cute and curl my hair on a regular basis.

then i saw this photo, snapped by BUDDY at the tidepools.

and i quickly decided to stay right where i am.

#Pacifica4Life

sometimes, i get a little overwhelmed by how lucky i am.

lucky:

for a healthy and happy kiddo

for a successful and hardworking partner

for a loving and supportive relationship

for flexible and impact-ful work opportunities

for parents whose number 1 priority is to be wonderful grandparents

for mountain views

for the sea breeze.

EBN and i spent the morning at the beach yesterday.  ”yellow flowers, amarillo flores,” she pointed as she sat in her stroller (that in itself was a mini-miracle – i can’t remember the last time she sat in her stroller for an extended trip) and i got an opportunity to stretch my legs as we walked down one large hill and then along the road to the water.  by the time we settled in the sand, and EBN stripped down to her undies, we were joined by good friends who had the same idea of making the most out of the truly science-cannot-be-solely-responsible kind of beautiful day.

we watched the surfers surf.

we watched the whales spout.

the kiddos played, happily throwing handfuls of sand in the air, for more than two hours, while i got to have a conversation with another adult about things that i care about.

and then EBN napped.

and i worked.

and listened to music that i got to pick.

and life was good.

i feel so lucky.

by the time this post goes live, ABN will have arrived back in pacifica, right where he belongs.  this trip was the longest time that he’s been gone since EBN made her debut almost 29 months ago and let me just say – he was deeply missed.  not only is it just a lot of work, you know, being on your own with a kiddo, but she asked roughly every 90 minutes, “where’s daddy?” and that some how made it a bit rougher.  i’m a lucky mama to get so much support from ABN and we’re a better family when we do it all together.  for sure.

that being said – us two did pretty well for ourselves, as evidenced above.  i’m pretty sure that some worried we wouldn’t get out of our pjs or take in the fresh air.  and while we did indulge in a movie on the couch on  cloudy sunday afternoon AND a saturday full of duck dynasty courtesy of BUDDY (we had a slumber party!) we also took a hike, a beach walk, had a ladies lunch AND bounced.  or at least, watched others bounce. oh, and of course, one of us took a turn as “a fairy-princess-flower-girl.” she really wanted to throw dinosaur in too…next time.

this cold just won’t quit.

every time i think we’ve seen the last of it, EBN blows another chicken out of each and every orifice and i start to cough. my left eye is like a leaking faucet and it’s made me puffy and red.  it’s the kind of sick that doesn’t keep you in bed (well, i would stay in bed if i could but the little one is interested in getting as many surfaces covered in snot as humanly possible) but makes you cranky and tired and motivated to do a whole lotta nothing except drink hot water with lemon and honey (it also has in no way curbed my appetite – why does passover leave me feeling like a constant bottomless pit?).

its left me especially moody which now, at almost 6pm on sunday evening, i realize is sorta my bad.  i’ve been quick to pout, quick to get annoyed and quick to curl up in a ball and complain.

some of it is warranted.  EBN is beyond adorable but even her most treasured traits can become draining when you are around them 24/7 (with snot).  she narrates constantly – which is one of my favorite of her qualities (hey, i always have someone to talk to!) but when your head is pounding it’s…a lot.  and her new thing is to scream “KLEENEX,” the second the smallest drop of snot begins to travel southward (every .25 seconds).  do you remember the scream that brad pitt emitted when he opened the box to find gwyneth’s head?  times that by 7 and it is sorta close to the piercing scream coming from my house at all hours of day and night.

but some of it’s really not.  or at least, as a mom and a wife, i wish it was easier for me to just let things slide.  or to transition into better a situation instead of stick with the pout (i might need to trademark that term).

“mommy, that’s the biggest snail i ever saw!”

finally this afternoon, after a too-short nap from miss EBN on a day when ABN was stuck with a pile of work (and a much needed grocery trip) i decided enough was enough and the two of us took our snotty-selves to search for snails at the windy and rainy beach.  i know, not great for our colds but i think we are both feeling oodles better (at least mentally).  we’ve now taken a mama-baby shower and are in our pjs before the sun sets. i’ve promised her a pedicure before dinner so i best get to that.

but before i go, as EBN was chasing after the seagulls on the beach this conversation occurred:

EBN (running, arms flapping as is her way): “hi goose!, hi goose!”

LBN: “kiddo, that’s a seagull, not a goose.”

EBN: “oh, that’s why the goose didn’t hear us!”

our new years day consisted of

a toddler who woke up at 7:45 and then wanted to cuddle on the couch while watching the same episode of dora that we’ve watched 100 times before on demand.

a family hike where we counted “me-anna slugs” and mushrooms.  EBN walked her little heart out until we lured her into the backpack with the promise of a bar.  it’s beyond impressive that ABN can still carry all 35 pounds of her.  we kept her awake during the second half of the hike by singing the hokey-pokey – a new favorite.

a mama-baby nap.  only one of us napped but it was nice to have the time together and not feel like there were a million things i should be doing instead.  the one thing i really needed to do was pee and because a toddler had glued herself to me instead of sleep on her own side of the bed, i couldn’t move.  holding your pee for over an hour is quite the task – and makes you cold.

2013 – i can’t complain.