as i’m writing this post, on monday, at lunch time, the sun is shining through the open door to the cafe that i am sitting in. and while i’m enjoying the fresh air (i need it, i’ve been living in a house of sick) so many of my family and friends are stranded, without power, still waiting for the full force of the storm to hit. the waiting is the worst part – at least i think. i’m not a fan of “weather” of really any kind (which is why i think northern california and i work so well together – it rarely changes), but i’m even less of a fan of anticipation. i’d much rather the power just go off – all the anxiety that comes with waiting around for the lights to flicker and then fade…no thanks.
i’ve always been an anxious person. in high school and college i dealt with my anxiety by doing nothing, ignoring events and people who caused my blood pressure to rise. hiding for long periods of time from the reality of approaching deadlines and then, doing my best, to imagine that consequences didn’t exist.
after college, by force and by the grace of god (a good combination…no?) i found a better way to deal with my anxiety. i spent a lot of time talking about how fast my heart would beat, how my chest would break out in hives and how worries about what was to come, would keep me up at night. and ABN. i found, or re-found ABN.
and then i got pregnant and then i had a baby. and at a time when most people reach a higher level of anxiety, and when most people can be sympathetic to anxious tendencies, mine all but disappeared. for like a long time. maybe it was the breast-feeding (i mean, it did solve most of my other problems so why not this?), maybe it was that life was so out of control and new and different that i had to live in the here and now and i could not be bothered with five minutes from now let alone 5 hours or 5 days.
as order has been restored and a semi-regular schedule has been achieved, i’ve noticed that over the last 6 or 8 months, my anxiety has started to return. not to what it used to be but enough to keep me on my toes. my anxiety is about nothing that really matters – i don’t tend to obsess about big world problems or bills but rather not being late for a flight that is still over two weeks away.
i’m not really sure where this post came from – it began by thinking of my friends and family caught in the storm. so let’s end on that note. my friend and colleague (yep, consulting continues to be amazing) offered these words yesterday on the agencies facebook page and i thought i would share them here as well: