The Post in Which I Compare the Dentist to Being on a Cruise (and Giving Birth)

i had to go back to the dentist to have two old cavities refilled.  apparently that’s a thing.  it was as awful as it sounds.  but – i do think i made a bit of headway in the why i hate the dentist department.  here’s where i’m at.

you’re trapped with no way out.  once you’re in that chair, lying back (really, really, really far back, like to the point where you feel that with one false move you could slide right out of that chair and on to the floor), mouth open, eyes squeezed shut for dear life – there’s just nowhere to go.  and if you dare open your eyes (don’t) you’re faced with hands shoved into your mouth, faces peering at your chompers and instruments – so many instruments.

similar to being on a cruise ship.  there are cruise people and there are not cruise people.  i am not cruise people.  cruise people love the ship, the food, the drink, the wine, the towel animals and being on the water.  while all of those things are nice in theory (especially the animals posed with your sunglasses) all i can think about when out on the high seas – is being out on the water in a massive, floating vessel in the middle of no where with a group of people who i just keep seeing over and over and over again.  completely trapped.

i had a similar experience giving birth (i know i’ve just compared the dentist to a cruise to birthing my baby…but give me a second).  i should say that as far as labor and delivery goes i had one of the best experiences anyone could hope for.  it was pretty chill (ativan), pretty comfortable (epidural) and relatively short (start to finish, 12 hours).  until the last hour.  in the last hour – i lost my mind – completely.  i had been having horrible heartburn throughout by 3rd trimester but because EBN had not dropped i continued to have heartburn throughout my contractions.  it was getting worse and worse and while i was fully dilated, because she was still so high, i was told not to push.  by 3pm i was getting extremely uncomfortable and EBN was starting to feel the effects too and her heartbeat was inconsistent.  they gave me oxygen which required a mask to be placed over my face.  i started talking about clowns and i started to panic.  i felt completely trapped (apparently there is a technical term for this – entrapment – or at least that’s what they told me at the time).  i then proceeded to projectile vomit all over my wonderful nurse, realized immediately that with the regurgitation, EBN had repositioned herself and it was time…now.  the nurse told me to wait but there was no waiting – the doctor came in to check and confirmed i was ready and with one final heave-ho-channeling-kourtney-kardashian-cry EBN came barreling into the world. 

so yeah, basically going to the dentist is sorta like being trapped on a cruise ship and giving birth – all at once.  luckily, i’m good for another 6 months*.

*it should be noted that i wrote this post 12 hours after my dental procedure and i’m still feeling the effects of the novocaine.  i’m lopsided and swollen and a wee bit drooly.  hot.