i guess that one way to look at this, is that at least i’m getting a chance to write it down, blog, have record. because clearly, the only time i sit down to reflect is in the middle of the night when my kid is screaming and i’m trying to figure out if i should go in or wait it out, when i’m watching the clock, counting the minutes, reminding myself to breathe. we had two, maybe three good nights of sleep. and then last night a bit more fussing than i would prefer. and tonight – ugh – it feels like we are back to square one as i sit at my computer at 4:15 in the morning, watching the monitor. i should be thankful that everyone else in my house is sleeping. that it is just me and Z who are exhausted to the point of no return. and i’m pretty sure the neighbors hate me. or us. i mean i would. ALSO, basically every night/morning, when i sit at the kitchen table, i see someone parking a car or someone leaving. what the hell is going on IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?! we live on a cul de sac so it’s not really hopping (i mean, unless it’s the 4th of july). someone needs to explain. also, ABN and i could use a REAL date night that requires me to brush my hair and perhaps apply a little makeup because we are like two ships passing in the night at this point – but i guess that’s a post for another sleepless night. moving on…
you may or may not have heard the news (kidding, it’s all over social media, mostly my social media, but still) but i ran my 1st 5k last weekend. i guess technically it wasn’t my 1st, i’ve been running that distance for several weeks now and for the last couple of weeks, i’ve been running it fairly comfortably, ie. without feeling like i am going to die. but this past sunday, i ran a 5k with other people (like 14,000 other people to be exact – go big or go home). i ran my first race, the giants race, which started outside the stadium and ended on the field. and because i love to state the obvious…it.was.awesome.
i didn’t run super fast (um, you sorta can’t when you are crammed between what feels and looks like a billion people) but i also didn’t run super slow. i ran and i ran and i ran some more and although i felt super annoyed as i waited for my corral to finally start (didn’t know that was a thing like, at all), once i did start moving, i was pumped. for me it had little to do with the other people, or the fact that i was at giants stadium or the medal that i received at the end (although EBN really really really appreciated all of those elements) but much more to do with the fact i had done something purely for my own benefit, to mark my own accomplishment, to take care of myself. ABN and the kids and BUDDY were there to greet me at the finish and giving them super sweaty hugs was a really great feeling. the feeling that i had made it – through the race – through the last 6 months – felt like quite the accomplishment. also i ate the yummiest sandwich post-race. and that felt special too.
which is basically the opposite of how i am feeling at this very moment, as i type these words. sorta ironic. right now i feel like a failure, like i’ll never sleep again or feel like a whole person again. in the two or three nights of sleep that i got this week i started to feel mostly functional and getting a glimpse of how the other half live, somehow makes it more difficult to return that half-functioning state that i seem to know so well.
i followed up my 5k run with Z’s first jaunt in the jogging stroller. he turned 6 months this week (which means he REALLY should be sleeping better than he is) and although i really count my running time as my alone time, i can’t quite figure out how i am going to squeeze it all in if i don’t start running with him at least part of the time. so i broke out the jogging stroller, made all the necessary adjustments and off we went. and although he only lasted 2.2 miles (i’m going to argue that i could have made it further although when he broke down i gave in quite happily) i see a future. or something. we will try again this week, adding a little more distance each time hopefully. it’s like his own version of couch 2 5k.
and then i really went for it. on Z’s 6 month birthday. i ran mostly along a beach path (that also contains a bitch of a hill) and a mountain valley and i listened to THIS AMERICAN LIFE and i just ran and ran and ran some more. i didn’t initially set out to go far, just my normal run, but once i started i decided i should go a little further, and then a little further and next thing i knew i was getting close to hitting my new goal of 6 miles, so why not go for it. and so i did. 6.5 miles. my furthest run yet. a 10k, done and done. man oh man did i feel it after that run. turns out a 10k is way more than a 5k (duh) but the freedom that comes along with it is just as big as well. with very little sleep (hi, 4:45am) i’m planning to go for it again, later today.