It’s Thursday Morning Somewhere

at this point in my life, if i were to ever write a book (which, i’m just going to put out there, is looking less and less likely because – kids) it would have to be titled, The Baby is Still Not Sleeping, which would be the most boring book ever written.  i know that no one wants to hear of the sleeping struggles that this house is facing – it seems to get better for a day or so, i get into a groove, and then poof, no sleep for no one – but really the lack of sleep is basically all that i can think about, talk about, dream about….oh wait.  that’s right.  i haven’t had a decent dream in over a year (you know it’s bad when you are craving those c-razy 2nd trimester sex dreams, don’t even pretend you don’t know what i’m talking about).

i’m coming to you from just after 5am.  i have exactly 40 minutes before i have to be out the door for bootcamp and the idea of getting back into bed after my 3rd or 4th time up seemed like too much of a tease to actually find productive.  so instead, i’m sipping coffee, responding to some much neglected email, filling out the paperwork for the transitional kindergarden program that EBN got waitlisted for (FML) and biding my time (oh, and rushing into EBN’s room before her “i had a bad dream” screams wake the baby – again.  as i said before – no sleep for no one).

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getting a ride

my parents and EBN just got back from a few days in LA.  it was her 1st big girl trip away with her nani and p’pa.  before Zman was born, ABN and i would often escape for a night or (gasp) two when my parents came to town, but that was long ago and this was HER 1st time being the one to get away.  by all accounts it appears she had a blast – which i can’t really understand considering she spent the vast majority of her time in the car (you know, LA).  she was schlepped from one grown-up meal to another, subsisting on a diet mostly of french fries (oh, that’s why she had so much fun) and the average age of her company was about 90.  but my girl is a trooper.  highlights included visiting the cemetery (seriously), sleeping with nani and p’pa and being served goldfish crackers at a fish restaurant.  sounds like the trip of a lifetime to me.

while EBN was gone the house was – quiet.  i was reminded how easy simple quiet it is to just have one kid.  somehow i was able to cook and clean and still easily entertain him.  i took a 2 hour walk (with Zman happily in the stroller!!) one afternoon after his 2nd nap and spent sunday hiking the mountains of pacifica with ABN by our side.  it was pretty great.  but man oh man were we ready for our little big girl to come home.  the slower pace was nice for a day or so but really, there’s nothing like being together – a family of 4.

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before EBN left town we celebrated Zman’s 1st birthday with cheerios galore.  there were good friends, beautiful weather and lots and lots and lots of cheerios.  i’m not gonna lie, it sorta felt like i threw a bar mitzvah for 5 babies but you do what you gotta do.  now on to passover…

 

One Year Later…

written in the early morning hours of march 11th…

it’s such a cliche, but it really is the longest shortest time*.

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Z is 1.  it happened a little after 1am this morning.  while he was (gasp) sleeping, he crossed some imaginary line and became a 1 year old.  my baby, my last baby, is 1.  and i’m an emotional mess.

my baby is happy and healthy.  he smiles and babbles constantly and does this funny thing where he squints his eyes and gives a big toothy grin and squeals with delight.  he pulls up on everything and anything pushes his tummy out to balance so he can have use of both of his hands.  he loves the pantry and pulls everything off the two shelves he can reach – at least twice a day.  he thinks toys are for suckers and would much rather get into his sister’s art supplies or the diaper bag or the boxes and bubble wrap that are often collecting near our front door.  he does a weird gimpy crawl in which he moves at the speed of light.  he says mama and dada and hi-ya and bye-ya.  he waves in a way that looks like he is trying to milk a cow.  he loves singing with nani and p’pa on skype and likes bathtime as long as EBN is involved.  he is the very messiest eater but loves to feed himself – especially peanut butter.

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i can’t believe that this 1st year has come and gone.  last night, as ABN and i sat in the hot tub and i had my expected emotional meltdown (i mean, i just sorta assume when you hit the one year mark and you start to reflect it can get pretty emotional pretty fast) i couldn’t get over the feeling of missing out on some of the really special moments.  this past year has been hard.  not hard in the grand scheme of things – i totally get that.  but it’s been exhausting and trying and i’ve struggled.  and because of all of that, i’m worried that i missed some milestones, some minutes, some memories that i’ll never get to experience again.  i need to work on being more present – because clearly i need one more thing to add to my list…

i question how much things will change now that he’s 1.  i feel like there is an expectation – i’ll be more flexible (he’s 1).  i’ll stop nursing (he’s 1).  i’ll sleep more (he’s 1).  but somehow i don’t see any of that happening anytime soon.  ABN and i are supposed to escape for two nights at the end of the month, while my parents are still here.  we need sometime alone, together.  we ran an errand on sunday and realized at some point that it was our 1st time alone, together since november.  that’s just nuts.  this year has just been…nuts.

i should go prep his birthday donut.  he knows how to blow air so i’m pretty sure this kid is going to blow out his candle.  he’s pretty special.  i guess we’ll keep him.

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*if you don’t know this podcast – stop what you are doing right now and subscribe.  forget about serial (okay, don’t forget about serial) and just do it.  if you are a parent, if you are not a parent, if you breathe – you need to listen.  it’s hysterical and true and i listen when i run so i’m often found laughing out loud one minute and with tears streaming down my face the next.  you can thank me later.

Never Say Never…

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i was pretty sure i was done in this space.  not for lack of interest (on my part).  but for lack of…basically everything else.  time. energy. enthusiasm. brain cells.  it takes way more effort to sit down and string words together in some sort of semblance of an order, than it does to pick up a crochet hook and go round and round in a methodical, repeated motion.  also, after looping and pulling through and slip stitching over and over again, you end up with a hat, or at the very least a wash cloth.  something tangible.  something to show for your effort.  for your day.  and when the days are long and the nights are…longer…that dish towel becomes…well it becomes everything.

but in an effort to take a bit more control of my life and to force myself to have a little “me” time (just to be clear – that would be time that i am doing something entirely for myself – and not something for someone else – which seems to be basically all the time.  and i’m not complaining about that, i’m just clarifying) i signed up for a 6am bootcamp class that meets twice a week (more on that later…maybe…i’m not making promises for this space), and it just seems easier to stick to a more regular schedule of waking up (rather than back and forth) so this morning when the baby woke up at 4:45 to eat (which, for the record, is the very best he has done all week and yes he will be a year tomorrow and yes, you can maybe start to see why a little “me” time is important) i decided rather than go back to bed i would brew my 1st cup of coffee and get my day started, quietly, just me.  (i apologize, but the on thing i can guarantee about this post is a lot run-on sentences).

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while i have thought about this space very little over the last year + (who has time when there is laundry to be folded, dinner to be prepped, miles to be run, hair to be braided and yes, yarn to be hooked), i’ve found myself yearning, again, for some record of our life, my life, our kids’ lives because, facebook and instagram feel like a vacuum that is difficult to access and look back on.  at least in this space, although there are huge holes (hello, i bred and bore a baby and that basically doesn’t appear in this space at all) it’s the obvious place to return when the opportunity presents itself.  last year, i can’t remember if it was late spring or early summer but it was during that time of intense fog, soon after Z was born, when all the days and all the nights bled into each other but i smiled through it because the adrenaline of it all was still pumping (the adrenaline has since slowed – incase you were wondering), ABN had my past blogging (all the way back to 2007) printed and bound.  the impetus for this was “server issues” (i have no idea what this means) but the end result is a beautiful, record of our life as a family that i can flip through and hold in my hands.  i have no scrapbooks, no other journals, barely even printed pictures (though i’m working on that) so these annuals (they are massive) are something that i really treasure and look forward to sharing with the kids in the future.  which ultimately, is one of the major reasons i find myself sitting here now.

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Z turns 1 on wednesday – insane.  it’s insane because it feels like just yesterday i was walking up and down the massive hills of pacifica, huffing and hoping in equal parts that he would come out, come out wherever you are.  from the very beginning he had his own way of doing things and i should have probably seen it as a preview of things to come.  it’s insane because it means it has been a whole year since it was just EBN – coming into our bed each morning for an extra cuddle. we still cuddle a lot but until basically, this moment, Z has taken up residency in that space in our bed and in an effort to not wake him or for me to squeeze in a few extra moments of sleep, that time together of me and EBN has all but disappeared.  it’s insane that ABN and i have been parents, to two kiddos, for almost a year already when it still feels so new and foreign and so much like, “oh god, i hope we don’t fuck them up forever.”

it’s insane because i can’t imagine a life without Z – or our family without him.  it’s been almost a year of EBN being the very best big sister imaginable – a year of constant hugs and kisses and squealing on her part – no matter how much he has cried or cramped her style.  it’s been almost a year of hiking up and down mountains, with Z strapped to my stomach – my motivation for getting out and breathing in the salty sea air.  it’s been almost a year of that ridiculously goofy smile and those super soft cheeks.  a year of not being away from him for more than a couple of hours, a year of him never taking a bottle, a year of him not sleeping through the night, a year of schlepping him to preschool drop-off and pick-up, a year of him refusing to be handed off to basically anyone else but me….but i digress…

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i said i wouldn’t throw a 1st birthday party because it just feels so ridiculous to plan a 1st birthday party.  but as i sit here, at my desk, in our shared office, i’m staring at large pile of party supplies including a hand-made party hat with a large #1 glued on to it – so, alas, a party will be had.  it will be low-key for me – (food from costco, cupcakes from safeway – believe me when i tell you, 2 kids changes everything) and i’ve put EBN in charge of decor (it’s possible i taught her how to use pinterest – seriously parents – if you are looking for a good distraction for your kids, this was a moment of pure genius on my part).  passover is to follow in just a few short weeks and we are again expecting quite the crowd (after taking last year off).  i want to allow myself to enjoy the planning and prepping process for both events.  so often, over the last year, even things that i look forward to feel like they have become something i just need to power through and then move on from.  there are so many good moments that i fear i’ve missed.  let me clarify.  i’ve chosen to miss a lot of moments – birthdays, girls nights out, mahjong.  it’s been for the betterment of my family and while sometimes, in the moment it’s sad, for the most part i’m really comfortable with the choices i’ve made.  what i’m talking about above is more, i’ve missed really special moments that i’ve physically been present at, because i’m too worried about what will come next.  how i will get Z to bed, which parent is going to take EBN to which birthday party, how i’m going to manage this or that or whatever – and i’ve missed whatever experience is right in front of me.

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okay, so i’ve finished my 1st cup of coffee and it’s almost 6am.  that didn’t hurt too much (and see – i didn’t talk about bootcamp – maybe another time).  ideally i’d respond to a few emails, do a little birthday party prep and take a shower all before the kids wake up for the day.  this is all very unlikely but, in the last year i’ve learned, never give up on your dreams :).

xo,

LBN

Just Keep Swimming, errr running…

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i guess that one way to look at this, is that at least i’m getting a chance to write it down, blog, have record.  because clearly, the only time i sit down to reflect is in the middle of the night when my kid is screaming and i’m trying to figure out if i should go in or wait it out, when i’m watching the clock, counting the minutes, reminding myself to breathe.  we had two, maybe three good nights of sleep.  and then last night a bit more fussing than i would prefer.  and tonight – ugh – it feels like we are back to square one as i sit at my computer at 4:15 in the morning, watching the monitor.  i should be thankful that everyone else in my house is sleeping.  that it is just me and Z who are exhausted to the point of no return.  and i’m pretty sure the neighbors hate me.  or us.  i mean i would.  ALSO, basically every night/morning, when i sit at the kitchen table, i see someone parking a car or someone leaving.  what the hell is going on IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?!  we live on a cul de sac so it’s not really hopping (i mean, unless it’s the 4th of july).  someone needs to explain.  also, ABN and i could use a REAL date night that requires me to brush my hair and perhaps apply a little makeup because we are like two ships passing in the night at this point – but i guess that’s a post for another sleepless night.  moving on…

you may or may not have heard the news (kidding, it’s all over social media, mostly my social media, but still) but i ran my 1st 5k last weekend.  i guess technically it wasn’t my 1st, i’ve been running that distance for several weeks now and for the last couple of weeks, i’ve been running it fairly comfortably, ie. without feeling like i am going to die.  but this past sunday, i ran a 5k with other people (like 14,000 other people to be exact – go big or go home).  i ran my first race, the giants race, which started outside the stadium and ended on the field.  and because i love to state the obvious…it.was.awesome.

i didn’t run super fast (um, you sorta can’t when you are crammed between what feels and looks like a billion people) but i also didn’t run super slow.  i ran and i ran and i ran some more and although i felt super annoyed as i waited for my corral to finally start (didn’t know that was a thing like, at all), once i did start moving, i was pumped.  for me it had little to do with the other people, or the fact that i was at giants stadium or the medal that i received at the end (although EBN really really really appreciated all of those elements) but much more to do with the fact i had done something purely for my own benefit, to mark my own accomplishment, to take care of myself.  ABN and the kids and BUDDY were there to greet me at the finish and giving them super sweaty hugs was a really great feeling.  the feeling that i had made it – through the race – through the last 6 months – felt like quite the accomplishment.  also i ate the yummiest sandwich post-race.  and that felt special too.

which is basically the opposite of how i am feeling at this very moment, as i type these words.  sorta ironic.  right now i feel like a failure, like i’ll never sleep again or feel like a whole person again.  in the two or three nights of sleep that i got this week i started to feel mostly functional and getting a glimpse of how the other half live, somehow makes it more difficult to return that half-functioning state that i seem to know so well.

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i followed up my 5k run with Z’s first jaunt in the jogging stroller.  he turned 6 months this week (which means he REALLY should be sleeping better than he is) and although i really count my running time as my alone time, i can’t quite figure out how i am going to squeeze it all in if i don’t start running with him at least part of the time.  so i broke out the jogging stroller, made all the necessary adjustments and off we went.  and although he only lasted 2.2 miles (i’m going to argue that i could have made it further although when he broke down i gave in quite happily) i see a future.  or something.  we will try again this week, adding a little more distance each time hopefully.  it’s like his own version of couch 2 5k.

and then i really went for it.  on Z’s 6 month birthday.  i ran mostly along a beach path (that also contains a bitch of a hill) and a mountain valley and i listened to THIS AMERICAN LIFE and i just ran and ran and ran some more.  i didn’t initially set out to go far, just my normal run, but once i started i decided i should go a little further, and then a little further and next thing i knew i was getting close to hitting my new goal of 6 miles, so why not go for it.  and so i did.  6.5 miles.  my furthest run yet.  a 10k, done and done.  man oh man did i feel it after that run.  turns out a 10k is way more than a 5k (duh) but the freedom that comes along with it is just as big as well.  with very little sleep (hi, 4:45am) i’m planning to go for it again, later today.

 

If there was ever a blog post that could be used as birth control – this is it*.

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please note – this photo was not captured during sleep training but rather, the night before, while happily sipping wine, watching trashy tv and weaving in ends – as the baby peacefully sleeps. i thought i had it all together…

if i ever write a book, which i used to think would be like the ultimate accomplishment, and now i feel accomplished if i shower 3 out of 5 days, i think the book will be subtitled: things i wrote while sleep training, because…yeah.

i’m back at it.

after, what i considered a solid effort on my part – he was going down fine(ish) and sleeping (for the most part), but once 4 am rolled around he was up and i was up and he was crying and i was watching the clock.  and with things not getting better night after night i decided this was all pointless and i’d rather just bring him into bed with me.  he’d nurse and go back to sleep…right?

wrong.

4 am (and then 3 am) would come, and he’d wake and he’d come to bed and snuggle and nurse and then dude would be all, ok mom, let’s party!  i’m gonna babble (yep, we’ve got another chatter box!).  i’m gonna exercise (leg-lifts are a favorite).  i’m gonna try to scratch your nose off.  and so while we were in bed, we still weren’t sleeping.  and the only thing worse than being up at 4(3) am is being up and in your own bed at 4(3) am.

also, as a side, ABN is the best dad/husband ever, but sleep training, or middle of the night anything, is just not his jam.  under the best set of circumstances.  add to that an exhausted and over-worked ABN (it’s been a big few weeks) – Z isn’t making any friends.

anyway, all of this brings me to today.  in which it is 1:50am (dude), and i’m sitting in the dark, at the kitchen table.  and the kid is crying (on and off) and i’m again counting the minutes until i can go in and tell him (and myself) that it is all going to be okay (will it ever be ok?  at this point, i have no effing clue).

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i realize that as i sit here at just about 2am, i have nothing of interest to write about.  my thoughts are a jumble of anxiety before my first 5k (eek), praying that Zman’s crying (which, just to fuck with me, is on and off.  so, just about every 90 seconds i’m sure he’s finally given up, called it a night and is going to sleep.  until another 90 seconds passes and he proves me wrong – assures me he’s in this for the long haul) doesn’t wake EBN, because the only thing worse than one baby awake is one baby and one almost 4-year-old awake, and cataloging unfinished crochet projects in my head (because i seem to be moments away from finishing several but not quite done with any).  fun stuff…right?

my race is sunday.  i’m just doing the 5k.  i shouldn’t say just because if you had told me, 6 months ago, that i would be running a 5k i would have laughed in your face and thought it was like the least likely thing ever.  for me. to run. a race.  but then i had Z and i had to get back in shape (or get in shape period) and get the hell out of the house and running seemed like a viable option.  and so now i run and honestly a 5k, at least distance wise, doesn’t seem like a big deal.  the part i’m most nervous about is the race itself.  there are logistics i don’t understand and the unknown makes me anxious.  especially unknowns that involve thousands of people.  i’ve never run with another person before so it feels a bit overwhelming for my 1st experience to be with like half of san francisco. at giants stadium.  but i’m sure it will be fine.  just like sleep training.  oh god.

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i spend a lot of time comparing EBN as a baby to Z as a baby.  it is a silly thing to do for several reasons, but mostly because i’m fairly sure i have a very selective memory of what EBN was like as a baby.  it also turns out that while i wrote some things down, i didn’t write enough down (or the right things down) for an accurate depiction of what it was really like.  i do think she slept better.  sleep training (in my memory) was a breeze.  i do know i never found myself sitting at the computer at 2am.  earlier this week, in a moment of pure exhaustion, i found myself trying to explain natural selection to EBN.  “it’s a good thing Z is cute,” i said, rubbing his back, as i walked in circles through my house, trying to keep him happy-ish because it was only 5:22pm and not bedtime, although he wanted bedtime so badly.  “because if i was a lion, and Z was my cub, i’m pretty sure i would have eaten him by this point.”  she looked at me, shook her curls and smiled.  she has since told all of her friends.  #badmommy.

[want an update?  it’s now 2:14.  he’s been crying, on and off for 45 min.  so i went in, picked him up, dried his tears, told him i loved him, and put him back down.  that’s what the book, or my friend who hired a sleep consultant, or the internet – i can’t keep it straight anymore – told me to do.  he’s now screaming his head off, worse than before.  but that’s supposed to happen.  and then he should settle.  and sleep.  it gets better, it gets better, it gets better].

crochet.  okay so i made this AMAZING baby blanket.  it’s gorgeous and colorful and sorta modern (can a crocheted baby blanket be modern?).  i finished it at the beginning of our trip to westport and sent it home with ABN so that i could start a new project.  there are about a million ends to weave in (because i’ll never learn and weave as i go) and the baby is due any day so it’s time to get down to business.  seems like the perfect project for sleep training.  then there is the blanket i’m working on for a wedding gift.  the wedding is the 2nd week in october so i have some time, but not so much time.  this blanket is different and involves weaving – not weaving in ends, but real weaving.  i know.  always taking on a new challenge.  sooooo, i finished (i think, i need to measure one more time) the crochet portion, which is the base.  now i need to spend some time cutting yarn and assembling.  it’s going to be…intense.  and then, because why not, i decided EBN needed a little something for her 1st day of school.  which is monday.  i whipped something up quite quickly, but it requires some…bling…and i had planned to hit up joanne’s earlier today while my babysitter was here (yes, i get 4 hours of freedom a week and it is the very best 4 hours – soledad, i love you!) but i spent that entire time at the car mechanic (technically, while my car was at the mechanic i did go for a 5 mile run – which was awesome, but then i also sat with my computer at the mechanic’s desk…which was weird) so i didn’t quite check that one off my list.  pictures forthcoming.

okay, he’s settled.  slightly.  he’s not hard crying.  he’s just whimpering, on and off.  to me it sounds a lot like, “my mommy is so mean.  i’ll never forget this.  you might think i’m asleep but really i’m just stewing,” or something.  i’m signing off for now.  not quite ready to get back into bed because i’m not that hopeful.  but maybe i’ll weave in some ends or, you know, unload the dishwasher.

*i swear, i should work for scared straight.  i could just tell stories about how little sleep i’m getting and i swear babies would never want to have babies.  it’s 5:23 and i’m up again because Z started up again at 5.  i think i finally fell asleep around 4:15 so you know, i got 45 min.  once 6am rolls around he can get up.  but in this new “training programing” once he is up he is up.  we’re not getting back in bed to nurse and sleep.  lights on, diaper changed, the world is cruel and harsh.  mostly to me.

 

Pretty Sure I Shouldn’t Be Driving…

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it’s amazing how good you can feel after getting (almost) 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep, when that much sleep has escaped you for so long.  i write that with not a hint of sarcasm.  as i sip my coffee, project runway streams in the background, and Z sits on his play-mat, aggressively manhandling a caterpillar toy.  all feels pretty right with the world.  except that it’s still dark.  and you know, almost 4 hours is enough sleep for…no one.

it’s been a long couple of weeks in casa bn since returning from our summer in westport.  it has been oh so good to be home, to catch up with friends, to hike and run along our coast, to play in our spaces, to cook in our kitchen, to sleep in our beds…well, some of us anyway.  but transition is tough for a 5 month old (yeah, totally missed that post) and an almost 4 year old (as she will readily tell you) and so is teething.  on all of us.

turns out EBN must have been the easiest baby on the planet – ever – because Z continues to give us, me, a run for my money.  he won’t take a bottle.  he doesn’t sleep through the night and his teeth are causing (us all) quite a bit of pain.  typical baby stuff – but hard and exhausting none the less.  the kid is SO stinking cute, it’s sorta unbelievable.  i think that god must have a greater plan – like this kid has to be tough because otherwise i’d want a boatload.  but the kid also has to be beyond cute because, boy, this kid is tough.  did i mention he sits?  because he does.  like a pro.  and he loves his mama most of all – duh.

EBN starts school a week from monday, not that i’m keeping track :).  although in all honesty, she is too.  oh, and a last minute change in plans: she is going 5 mornings a week.  we’ve been going back and forth with the decision for a while, well, i have anyway.  i think that ABN mostly felt ok leaving the final call up to me.  we all know that she loves school like WOAH, but i also want her to keep her very strong connections here in pacifica.  but this year many of her pacifica friends are also doing preschool in the am and with afternoons still free – 5 days felt like the right option in our house.  she’s already asked if she can go 6 days next year so i think she’s feeling pretty good about things.

while we anxiously wait for school to start we’ve been filling our days with mini pacifica adventures (bug catching with friends), a million projects (legos and beading are big these days), the last few swim lessons (my girl has GOT this) and of course, helping to raise Z.  i literally have no idea what i would do without EBN by my side.  she is so helpful and whenever she walks in the room Z gets the biggest smile on his face.  he just loves his sister – and so do i.

ABN has been working a lot which is what was expected – and tough (theme?).  he’s excited but also stressed and i’m supportive but also stressed and so it’s a difficult balance (often shifting more towards the stressed side for both of us).  last night, after i put both kids to bed and realized that we had no chocolate in the house (how this is possible i do not know) ABN saved the day by stopping at safeway on the way home (which wasn’t until close to 11pm) and picking up an its it.  #herostatus.

 

Runner’s World

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10 weeks ago, i started running.  i know this because of instagram and other social media.  without this “record” of my life, i would remember nothing.  seriously.  if it doesn’t get posted to facebook etc, it is basically as if it didn’t happen.  especially now that we have two kids.  i can’t keep track of anything.

anyway, i started running because i knew i needed to do something to help shed the baby weight.  running is cheap.  running doesn’t require a lot of advanced planning or a specific schedule.  running doesn’t require a ton of equipment.  for all of these reasons, i decided to give it a try. if you are a long time reader you’ll remember that way back when (think late 2011 – i’m telling you it feels like a lifetime ago) i attempted to be a “runner.”  i tackled couch 2 5k, but then i stopped.  like completely.  it wasn’t just that i never pushed myself beyond a 5k, (honestly, i’m not sure if i ever got quite that far — i ran for 30 minutes but never kept track of distance or pace) but i put away my running shoes and called it a day.  i’m not really sure why but if i had to guess it was because there was always something else i could be doing – and running was never ever, ever at the top of my list.

but now, and no one is more shocked at this than me, it is at the very top of my list.  not because i LOVE running – because i don’t.  i spend the vast majority of my running time thinking about, praying that, this run is almost over.  but, my run is me time.  and me time is so precious now.  i’d rather go for a run than sit on the couch and watch pretty little liars.  i’d rather go for a run than hide in the basement and crochet.  i’d rather go for a run than try to get an extra hour of sleep.

running lets me clear my head.  i’m a crazy woman who listens to podcasts while i run (the time passes by SO much more quickly than listening to music + the added bonus, i sometimes learn something new!) and so i’m often running with a ridiculous grin on my face because of something that peter sagal has just said.  sometimes i have tears streaming down my face because my run is the 1st time in days that i have been able to walk away from my whining kids and my dirty house and my husband who i feel like is CONSTANTLY getting the short end of the stick and the guilt i feel about that – is just too overwhelming.  running is my chance at a little freedom.  i live in fear of when Z turns 6 months old and is therefore old enough to go in the jogging stroller (who am i kidding, the kid is 16 lbs and can hold is head up like a pro – he’s ready now.  but the label says 6 months and i plan to hang on to that excuse as long as possible).  it won’t be as easy for me to walk out of the house and leave both kids behind – it won’t be as easy to get away.  (also, running with a stroller seems WAY tough).

i’m stronger than i’ve ever been (which may not be saying much…but still) although EBN did ask me today if i had another baby in my belly (thanks kid).  and i’m tan – in a way that only someone with fair skin and freckles can appreciate.  i get to breathe in the fresh, salty, pacifica air.  i get to run past the ocean and through the canyons of the mountains.  i get to clear my mind and think deep thoughts while wearing shorts and shoes that are so bright they glow.  can’t see a reason to stop anytime soon.