please note – this photo was not captured during sleep training but rather, the night before, while happily sipping wine, watching trashy tv and weaving in ends – as the baby peacefully sleeps. i thought i had it all together…
if i ever write a book, which i used to think would be like the ultimate accomplishment, and now i feel accomplished if i shower 3 out of 5 days, i think the book will be subtitled: things i wrote while sleep training, because…yeah.
i’m back at it.
after, what i considered a solid effort on my part – he was going down fine(ish) and sleeping (for the most part), but once 4 am rolled around he was up and i was up and he was crying and i was watching the clock. and with things not getting better night after night i decided this was all pointless and i’d rather just bring him into bed with me. he’d nurse and go back to sleep…right?
4 am (and then 3 am) would come, and he’d wake and he’d come to bed and snuggle and nurse and then dude would be all, ok mom, let’s party! i’m gonna babble (yep, we’ve got another chatter box!). i’m gonna exercise (leg-lifts are a favorite). i’m gonna try to scratch your nose off. and so while we were in bed, we still weren’t sleeping. and the only thing worse than being up at 4(3) am is being up and in your own bed at 4(3) am.
also, as a side, ABN is the best dad/husband ever, but sleep training, or middle of the night anything, is just not his jam. under the best set of circumstances. add to that an exhausted and over-worked ABN (it’s been a big few weeks) – Z isn’t making any friends.
anyway, all of this brings me to today. in which it is 1:50am (dude), and i’m sitting in the dark, at the kitchen table. and the kid is crying (on and off) and i’m again counting the minutes until i can go in and tell him (and myself) that it is all going to be okay (will it ever be ok? at this point, i have no effing clue).
i realize that as i sit here at just about 2am, i have nothing of interest to write about. my thoughts are a jumble of anxiety before my first 5k (eek), praying that Zman’s crying (which, just to fuck with me, is on and off. so, just about every 90 seconds i’m sure he’s finally given up, called it a night and is going to sleep. until another 90 seconds passes and he proves me wrong – assures me he’s in this for the long haul) doesn’t wake EBN, because the only thing worse than one baby awake is one baby and one almost 4-year-old awake, and cataloging unfinished crochet projects in my head (because i seem to be moments away from finishing several but not quite done with any). fun stuff…right?
my race is sunday. i’m just doing the 5k. i shouldn’t say just because if you had told me, 6 months ago, that i would be running a 5k i would have laughed in your face and thought it was like the least likely thing ever. for me. to run. a race. but then i had Z and i had to get back in shape (or get in shape period) and get the hell out of the house and running seemed like a viable option. and so now i run and honestly a 5k, at least distance wise, doesn’t seem like a big deal. the part i’m most nervous about is the race itself. there are logistics i don’t understand and the unknown makes me anxious. especially unknowns that involve thousands of people. i’ve never run with another person before so it feels a bit overwhelming for my 1st experience to be with like half of san francisco. at giants stadium. but i’m sure it will be fine. just like sleep training. oh god.
i spend a lot of time comparing EBN as a baby to Z as a baby. it is a silly thing to do for several reasons, but mostly because i’m fairly sure i have a very selective memory of what EBN was like as a baby. it also turns out that while i wrote some things down, i didn’t write enough down (or the right things down) for an accurate depiction of what it was really like. i do think she slept better. sleep training (in my memory) was a breeze. i do know i never found myself sitting at the computer at 2am. earlier this week, in a moment of pure exhaustion, i found myself trying to explain natural selection to EBN. “it’s a good thing Z is cute,” i said, rubbing his back, as i walked in circles through my house, trying to keep him happy-ish because it was only 5:22pm and not bedtime, although he wanted bedtime so badly. “because if i was a lion, and Z was my cub, i’m pretty sure i would have eaten him by this point.” she looked at me, shook her curls and smiled. she has since told all of her friends. #badmommy.
[want an update? it’s now 2:14. he’s been crying, on and off for 45 min. so i went in, picked him up, dried his tears, told him i loved him, and put him back down. that’s what the book, or my friend who hired a sleep consultant, or the internet – i can’t keep it straight anymore – told me to do. he’s now screaming his head off, worse than before. but that’s supposed to happen. and then he should settle. and sleep. it gets better, it gets better, it gets better].
crochet. okay so i made this AMAZING baby blanket. it’s gorgeous and colorful and sorta modern (can a crocheted baby blanket be modern?). i finished it at the beginning of our trip to westport and sent it home with ABN so that i could start a new project. there are about a million ends to weave in (because i’ll never learn and weave as i go) and the baby is due any day so it’s time to get down to business. seems like the perfect project for sleep training. then there is the blanket i’m working on for a wedding gift. the wedding is the 2nd week in october so i have some time, but not so much time. this blanket is different and involves weaving – not weaving in ends, but real weaving. i know. always taking on a new challenge. sooooo, i finished (i think, i need to measure one more time) the crochet portion, which is the base. now i need to spend some time cutting yarn and assembling. it’s going to be…intense. and then, because why not, i decided EBN needed a little something for her 1st day of school. which is monday. i whipped something up quite quickly, but it requires some…bling…and i had planned to hit up joanne’s earlier today while my babysitter was here (yes, i get 4 hours of freedom a week and it is the very best 4 hours – soledad, i love you!) but i spent that entire time at the car mechanic (technically, while my car was at the mechanic i did go for a 5 mile run – which was awesome, but then i also sat with my computer at the mechanic’s desk…which was weird) so i didn’t quite check that one off my list. pictures forthcoming.
okay, he’s settled. slightly. he’s not hard crying. he’s just whimpering, on and off. to me it sounds a lot like, “my mommy is so mean. i’ll never forget this. you might think i’m asleep but really i’m just stewing,” or something. i’m signing off for now. not quite ready to get back into bed because i’m not that hopeful. but maybe i’ll weave in some ends or, you know, unload the dishwasher.
*i swear, i should work for scared straight. i could just tell stories about how little sleep i’m getting and i swear babies would never want to have babies. it’s 5:23 and i’m up again because Z started up again at 5. i think i finally fell asleep around 4:15 so you know, i got 45 min. once 6am rolls around he can get up. but in this new “training programing” once he is up he is up. we’re not getting back in bed to nurse and sleep. lights on, diaper changed, the world is cruel and harsh. mostly to me.