disclaimer: i’m not really back. i’m just writing now. and that’s something. maybe i’ll come back regularly, maybe sometimes, maybe never. in the last 6 weeks i’ve learned to expect the unexpected. but i need a place to write it all down and this still, in some weird way, feels like the best option. i’m keeping a regular journal – just a line a day – which is all i can really take on right now, but sometimes a line just isn’t enough…
we’re 6 weeks into this whole 2 kid thing. and 1 week in to doing it on our own, sans nani and p’pa. honestly, it feels like they left a lifetime ago. how can a week go so quickly with little room for record or memory and at the same time, how can a week ago feel so very far away? i blame lack of sleep. when in doubt, it’s probably lack of sleep.
things are going. and honestly, i am happy (this has a lot to do with the wine i am drinking and the fact that i finally made my return to the hot tub after a 10 month hiatus). i look from EBN to Z to ABN and i think – these are my people. this is who i am supposed to have in my corner. i didn’t feel like we were missing someone before Z was born – but i do feel like we are who we are supposed to be as a family now. i just wish we were a family that cried a little less
Z cries a lot. i think all babies do. well, not all babies, but a lot of babies. my dad insists i didn’t cry. i also apparently never had a bottle which is impossible since i was doing overnights at my nani and eddie’s from the ripe old age of 9 months. but he insists. i think it’s a bit of a selective memory but maybe that means i won’t remember all the crying we’ve experienced over the last few weeks – doubtful.
the crying is hard but i can deal with it. i am glad that Z is kiddo #2 because if he had been kiddo #1 i think this crying would have freaked me out. i’m not freaked out. i’m tired. i’m sad that he is sad, or uncomfortable or just doing what babies do. whatever it is, it makes me sad that he cries.
EBN has been incredible through it all. she doesn’t like his crying and deals with it in her own way – by running into her room, by covering her ears, by saying, “baby ezra, it’s okay,” or “mommy, my baby is crying,” – duh. but when he’s not crying – she loves on him like no other. it’s crazy – he can be screaming his head-off and she can be screaming right along with him (because that happens too) and then i will calm him down and she’ll immediately kiss him and say, “my baby is so cute.” unconditional love.
the house is full of constant noise. crying, toddler chatter (and neediness). there is no escape – and honestly, i feel bad for wanting to escape. and for my reaction at times. EBN has gotten the short end of the stick over the last few weeks (although balance that with an awful lot of chocolate) and i’ve found myself tiptoeing into her room to apologize for snapping, for swearing, for slamming a door, for attending to Z instead of her. this has been the hardest part.
we’re working on a schedule. and trying to soothe his gas. he gives the very best smiles. and has cheeks that could sustain him for weeks. and he can hold his head up like a champ (seriously, he’s gotta have the strongest neck muscles around).
i realize that attitude, while not everything, counts for an awful lot. we’re doing great over here. seriously. the 4 of us are doing awesome and i’m 99% sure things are only going to get better.
but still, this shit is hard.Read More